Sunday, December 19, 2010

This time of year?

For me I want nothing more than to be home with my family, focused on family things, holiday traditions and I want my time spent making memories, not responding to e-mails and not worrying about all things work. It is driving me bonkers, I can't stop working, I want to, I really do, but I can't. Something is always coming up. Even on my days off! I took Thursday off and traveled on Friday, and at 5:15am on Friday my Blackberry started blowing up, seriously people, I am on the West Coast, its not like I am solving World Hunger these days, what could be so very important...?

So I am wondering, is it just me, or does this time of the year make you want to focus on family and not work? Or is it just that this time of year is just making me realize that I should be focused on family all the year through, not just this time of year. Am I even making any sense? Good Grief. I am feeling so very guilty that I have traveled two of the last three weeks and missed two weeks of the Holiday Season with my family.

I am sitting in the Family Room, listening to both of my little darlings cough their precious little faces off over the monitors and I hate feeling so torn about having to be in the office tomorrow, having something on my calendar that makes me feel like I have to be there instead of home with them when they need me, when they don't feel well, when they just want to be with their Mom. Its torture for me these days. Sometimes it doesn't phase me, but perspective is a wonderful and dangerous thing.

I am hoping that I can knock most of what I need to get done out in the next two days so I can spend the better part of the next two weeks focused on my Family. I don't want the girls to have to feel like they are fighting my Blackberry for attention, (EVER, but not these two weeks) but sometimes that is my reality. And no, I am not curing Cancer, I know I work for a large financial services company, that what I do doesn't change the world, but in a small way, I feel compelled to give it my all as though I am changing the world, as cheesey as that sounds.  Listening to our customers everyday makes me realize just how important getting it right for them really is. I want to be successful, I want to move up, but right now, I want to be a great Mom, a Mom that doesn't have to feel bad about telling her girls to sit in front of the TV while she finishes off another e-mail or briefs her manager on something that went wrong and she feels as though can't wait until the morning because of the pressure she puts on herself.

What I really want to know is, do all working Mom's feel this way? Or is it just me? Is it just my job? Or is it really just ME, meaning I would be like this regardless of my actual job, that it isn't the job, its my controlling nature that makes me feel like I can't let an e-mail sit in my inbox, that I need to respond right away and give those asking their answers lickety split. Can you really have a job you love, that you are proud of that you leave at the office? I am praying the answer is YES.


Jeni said...

Oh Leigh. The answer is yes. Blackberries are the devil! I think part of what may make you feel necessary to address things immediately is that your job isn't restricted to US time zones. Somewhere, someone is waiting for an answer. Correct me if I'm wrong.

When I worked in management, the pressure to perform (both from upper management and myself) was immense. I personally suffered. I brought it home with me and there was no fulfillment. I cannot imagine having done that job with children. So when I left there and took a job making half as much with very little responsibility (meaning someone could do my job when I wasn't there and I wasn't stressing out about it), I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I didn't have to carry the weight of my job around on my shoulders 24/7. This came with a price though.

Now? It's 5 years later. I'm on the other side of it. I feel completely unfulfilled, unchallenged, and underwhelmed and that I've sacrificed part of my career by taking a job that I knew I could do in my sleep.

I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you this much. I hit the job search January 1.

sarina.haas said...

Yes. Yes. Yes. Absolutely, the answer is YES. I'm not sure if it's the holidays or what, but I recently have been feeling like I can not handle my job. I'm in a very different field than you, but much like you, when I feel like an appointment on my calendar is consuming my thoughts & keeping me from my child, I feel like the worst parent ever. Then in turn I feel like the worst employee ever because I just want to blow it off and cuddle all day with Aniras. Can I stay home? Maybe, if we completely did a 180 in our lifestyle. But would that be beneficial to anyone? I feel like I have a purpose in working... but I feel as if my MAIN purpose in life is to be the best mom I can possibly be. Am I doing that when I have to leave my baby when I know she doesn't feel well, because my schedule is jam packed for the day? By working, I'm showing her that you CAN do it, and that you can be worth every bit of what you want to be - but still. I am leaving her.

I know this is probably not even close to an answer for you. It may not even make sense to you. But please know that you are NOT alone in these struggles. You are a fabulous Mommy.