Thursday, May 6, 2010

Back to Life...

It almost doesn't seem fair, that our lives just go on after something so tragic and so sudden stops you in your tracks. I'm not going to lie, for a few days I couldn't shake that numb feeling, then it went into sadness and heartache, and while I was at home there were lots of tears, but also a lot of laughs, and now that I am back in the swing of things here I am feeling a little worse for wear. The first few days back in Richmond, I had a hard time getting out of bed, and found myself crawling back into bed as soon as the girls were down for the night. I felt so bad that my life here was just going on as though nothing had happened back home, and I felt so guilty for leaving my dear friends grieving for their lost loved one, I felt like there was more I should be doing, that it wasn't right for me to be playing outside with my girls and devouring Turkey Club Supermelts from Friendly's (clearly not a part of my Operation Bridesmaids dress action plan).

But then I stop and think about what Jill would have wanted, what something like this should teach us, and I am ashamed of myself. I should be living life to the fullest, taking it all in, being the best Mom,Wife, Friend, Daughter I can be, all the things that I know she would give anything for a chance to do for just one more day.  As a man much smarter than me said, I need to take this mess and make it a message, take this test and make a testamony out of it...

I do hold the girls extra close for several extra moments at night before I give them their goodnight kiss and I am forever grateful that I brought Avery along for the trip to Northfield, just being able to snatch her up and snuggle her close was therapy beyond words.

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